Ok. I'm just going to come out and say this. Whatever your sexual preference is, please be honest about it.
I mainly am pointing fingers at gay men who date straight women under the premise that they are also straight.
There is a debate amongst women who have run into these particular breeds, that the men are just being metrosexual, or that the gay guy doesn't in fact know he is gay at the time. Yet we all know that women have a tendency to delude themselves until the bitter end. I for one believe in calling a spade a spade, and while one can confabulate their existence, somewhere deep in their conscience there has to be that large question that hangs over their head when it comes to personal desires. My grandfather would say, "you can't fool porn."
Plus isn't the great debate that you are born gay, you don't become gay. So if this debate were in fact factual, then why is it gay men pretend to desire women? Or even better yet, why do straight men pretend to be gay?
I had never, myself, come across this breed, until a recent date. The guy was great on paper. Witty, intelligent, well dressed, in tune with his emotions, a good conversationalist...perhaps these should have been my first warning signs. He had tendencies towards sounding slightly effeminate, but I played that off to a product of his environment. I mean this is LA, and he was a hair stylist. It is a new slang in Hollywood for men to have high voiced chirps, minus the Casanova penchants. So, I was willing to believe that perhaps his cliched "gay voice" was just something he had picked up. It wasn't until I finally met this man in person that the true nature of his sexuality came into play. For one, hand gestures say a lot, and if you are waving them in front of your face like a beauty contestant, while saying, "Oh god, did you see what she was wearing," then yes, I am going to greatly question your sexuality. I remember at two points in the date I almost asked him what he thought about that hot guy that just passed us. I had immediately begun to think of him as my gay friend. The question though plagued me, was he really gay? Or was I wrongly assuming he was because of social indicators I had been taught?
Sure there was a possibility that he could have been metrosexual, which Wikipedia defines as, "a man (especially one living in a post-industrial, capitalist culture) who has a strong concern for his appearance or a lifestyle that displays attributes stereotypically associated with homosexual men." Even they give props to metrosexuality stemming from gay men. So does that mean that this guy getting a pedicure beside me, is not really gay? what if he is getting a french manicure? Ugh, now I'm really confused.
After living in Japan, a culture highly steeped in androgyny, I shouldn't find it so obscure to date a man who acts more feminine than masculine. Though, Japanese men can pull off anything and make it look, cool. I suppose its just not a typical western thing to do. I mean, fashion designer Alexander McQueen tried to bring back the kilt and that lasted all but a month. Western men generally don't want to be caught wearing skirts. No matter that they secretly desire to re-enact Mel Gibson in Braveheart. FREEDOM.
And have we, as females, demanned the man in our quest to be considered equal? And before all you feminists get snippy on me, I am all for equal rights in the work force (equal pay and equal work), but on a biological stand point, I don't believe I am equal to a man, nor do I believe that I am better or worse than him. I simply think biologically I am different, and that difference is there for a reason. Some call it procreation. Yet, I for one have fallen under the guise of trying to be more masculine when the situation asserts itself, especially in the architectural arena, in which I am trained, as well as trying to convert my ex-boyfriends into confidants with real emotions. Its so great to have talk time right after sex, isn't it? Or when he tears up with you over that sappy movie? But by doing so, have I myself lost my own femininity, as well as taken away the alpha role of dominance from that male? Which in turn, has made him more foppish. Thus confusing me onto what game he really plays for? Dammit, when did baseball start being cricket, ok ok I kid English people, your game isn't gay-ish at all.
Women's Health Magazine wrote a great article on the loss of the alpha, in which I quote, "For heterosexual women, sexual attraction is sparked by a collection of encrypted biological signals that offer vital clues about whether a man can protect and provide for a prospective family. And on a gut level, neuroscientists say, women respond favorably to Alpha Males—men who exhibit the right genetic stuff in their looks, intelligence, resources, and leadership. In fact, a 2007 study published in Nature Neuroscience demonstrated that when females (well, female mice) were exposed to the pheromones of dominant male mice, their tiny girl-rodent brains actually grew new cells that guided them to choose the Alpha Males as mates. But it looks like among us humans, the behavioral Alpha signals men can emit—machismo, cockiness, the aggressive protection of their place at the front of the pack—are getting progressively weaker and less common as women's roles in relationships, jobs, and the economy become stronger and more central. With their traditional dominant, moneymaking position eroding, where does that leave men? Consider what might happen if the peacock didn't bother to fan his spectacular plumage, if the ram could no longer muster the will to clash horns, if the mighty lion neglected his patrolling duties. Can humankind handle the diminishment of the Alpha Male and accept the changing gender roles? " (http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dwindling-alpha-males) Even more so, many career women place the need to procreate at a much lower scale, thus the need to find a biological mate that becomes the perfect reproducer becomes rather skewed. We would much rather have a life mate than a good sperm donor, and if that isn't a great role for the "metrosexual" male, I don't know what is?
So back to the original assertion, did my date replace his masculinity or was he really "in the closet"?
Now taking the point that he really was gay, but refusing to admit it to himself, or perhaps admitting it to himself, but deciding to take the path of least resistance (in a societal sense), why must he lie about it? When famous people come out, they are met with a mix of "good for them" and "i knew it" slogans thrown their way, but no one wonders about their mates. Is it fair to those that they fooled? Lately a slew of "cheating" famous people have marked their way into the tabloids (tiger woods, jesse james, david Boreanaz...etc...etc), and we all shed a crocodile tear for their poor spouses. So shouldn't the same premise be given to relationships where the significant other has lied about being gay?
While I will never understand the stigmatas a gay man or a lesbian, or a transvestite, or a bi individual goes through, I do understand the feeling of being fooled. One of my good guy friends from work dated a girl for five years, and when she broke up with him she admitted it was because she was really a lesbian and while she loved him she could no longer fool who she really was. In all fairness, good for her that she finally could admit to her desires, but it left him in tatters. This was a person whom he trusted, and while she didn't technically cheat on him, or beat him, the trust was obliterated, and sometimes that cuts worse than a fist. Physical ailments can heal, emotional ones are far deeper. So is it fair for people to get involved in relationships if they themselves are lying about their own sexual needs that make up the fabric of their person? With all this aside, there is one fundamental thing we must admit, lying to your lover/your date/your spouse, about something like that is just not really ok. This is the 21st century as well, so being gay is not as it was 100 years ago, or even a thousand years ago (though the greeks sure loved to mix it up a bit). Society is far more accepting than it has been and it becomes more so every day (for every one bigot there are ten humanitarians, or at least thats what I would like to believe.)
I have no answer to these questions, as I am sure people have a plethora of excuses as to why they would lie about their sexual preferences. All I know is I don't enjoy being confused, and I definitely don't like being lied to. So, from this single girl to the pretenders out there, keep it real. Just, keep it real. Life is so much easier that way. Then again, perhaps I just need to learn to adapt to this new evolution of men who have let go of their masculinity to pursue more feminine pastures of expression.
I just wish we all wore sexual name tags, is that too much to ask? How about a game of scrabble instead? Word = Probity. 50 point score. Hachachacha.
