I have begun to believe I am cursed.
Coming from a long line of black forest "witches", aka people from Deutschland who live in the deep deep parts of the woods and have festivals that revere "witches", this is not such an impossible stretch. In fact our village translates into "Dead moss", we have at least 2 witch carnivals (spring and winter), most of my family has "pointy chins", and my house is currently adorned with witchy relics (see photo, one of the native witches, carved from wood). Needless to say, I grew up in a family dripping with superstition and lore.
My grandmother would say to me, "Spinnen am morgen bringen Unglueck, Spinnen am abend bringen Glueck." (See a spider in the morning brings bad luck, see a spider in the evening brings good luck).
My mother, any time a major life moment would happen (or I would get on an airplane), would spit in the air, and holy cross me. Touching my eyes, my lips, and my heart.
Above all else, my family believed in the power of three. You do bad unto others, then bad will come back to you three fold, same if you do good. If 1 person died, 2 more would follow, same as in births.
To top it off, they believed in the power of curses. No they did not practice curses and no I do not either, nor do I have a voodoo doll of an ex lover under my bed (only because sewing that shit gets expensive, and what would I do with all of those dolls)...but they did believe that what you said could be carried onto the wind, and that things should be said with caution in case certain elements were listening to interpret in their own way.
So I have begun to believe that I am love cursed.
Mainly because at the age of seven, when my big sister was talking about boobs and David Bowie's package, I told her that I hate all the boys who flirt with me, but I lamented about how I wanted big tatas (because obviously I had none at that time). Well I ended up becoming well endowed, and while yes I still have a lot of boys who flirt with me, the ones I do end up falling for are truly awful human beings. So whomever, or whatever, was listening in to the conversation between my sister and I, all I have to say to you is, well played, indeed....and enough with the funny.
Now, granted, I realize this makes me sound insane. In fact, from a very scientifical mindset, the kind I received from my engineering dad, what I am feeling is completely heuristically based. Meaning, I am finding meaning, when no logical meaning is apparent. The rational part of brain is just plain ole exhausted trying to figure out the variables of my many many failed dating moments, so the irrational part of my brain steps in with its shining family coat of arms and suggests the impossible. That I am cursed.
I often joke that my quests with men must somehow be some form of super power, in which I have not figured out how to harness for the good of mankind; but I think we would all agree that super heros do often feel cursed. But come on Universe, before I adorn a cape, it would have been much more awesome if my curse involved heightened physical capabilities: speed, flight, invisibility, super strength, reading minds, chameleon tendencies...you know, the normal choices. Alas, instead I am cursed with the ability to be the black hole of asshole nation.
This last one happened to be a beautiful part Cherokee of a man, with smooth creamy coco skin. He was even a teacher, so cute, and so un-artsy. He had a smile that charmed the socks off of me, and eyes that twinkled brightly. I was soon to find out that he was a true skinwalker, with teeth like a wolf. I was immediately smitten, in which case, I should have immediately run for the hills before he devoured me whole; I have begun to wonder if my immediate attraction to men is an ultimate warning sign, like if I feel my loins quake it means break out the mace, but if on the other hand I feel like my vagina just dried up like a hot desert, then I should probably marry that person.
But yes the Cherokee smile, per usual we seemed to hit it off divinely, he whispered sweet nothings into my ear, held my hand while we walked around in the chilly christmas weather, told me how he was falling for my doe eyes...all the good stuff that movies are made of...and I lapped it up. Lapped it up so hard. Then, one day, it was like a rift happened, and it kept opening up wider and wider, much to my dismay. Of course, I asked him about it, I said I was getting a vibe, and wondered if he were getting cold feet...and he responded simply, bluntly, and shortly, "my feet are freezing, sorry"...and with that, The End. All the pretty words, and all the hand holding, and all that jazz didn't even get credit acknowledgement. There is something so stilling about truncating things when your imagination is still in game time. And so afterwords, I seriously began to ponder this curse idea.
On a side note, tribute song to the Cherokee: http://www.last.fm/music/Juliette+Lewis/_/Romeo
I suppose I could also blame me. I am an only child, I can be demanding, harsh, critical. I don't always play nice with others in the sand pit. I am aggressive, argumentative, I am also self conscious. I push myself to exceeding lengths, I think I can always do better, and usually this translates into other people as well...but past all the hard crusty bits of my outer shell, I am also a sensitive one. I care deeply about those around me and I would do anything for most. I am kind, passionate, quirky, creative, deep, intelligent, and thoughtful. I know I am not easy, and perhaps most want easy, but what I find heartbreaking, is that I have been entangled in a dating game. The more intelligent the quest, the more they are intrigued about check mating me. With each pierce, and each knock down, I have learned to laugh it all off with a tearful smile, and then wrap it up into another wall. My curse has made me into a diamond. Multifaceted, pretty, easy to cut with, and hard to break...I worry not that I am cursed to meet more and more douchebags (this is more than likely a fact of my life), but that when the magic (aka knight of all knights) does come to break this curse, I may swallow them whole, and effectively, curse them.
