Happy birthday...friend!

My 32nd birthday went as follows:

Amazing party the night before, great gifts, a little too much drinking, boy of my dreams taking me out to a great dinner afterwards, followed by amazing sex, and then more amazing sex the next morning (on the actual birth DAY), followed by walking hand in hand to breakfast, and then getting a "I just want to be friends" speech on the lovely hand in hand walk back to my abode.

Wait.

What?

Am I getting broken up with on my birthday?

Yup.

Yay. Blow out those candles, bitch!

But, before we get ahead of ourselves, he needs to explain himself. I am in his heart he went on to say, he even pinky swears this. A grown ass man, sticking his pinky out to me, because as he puts it, "the Chinese believe that the pinky is a direct conduit to the heart." Thus I am in his heart. Thus I am his perfect women: tall, pretty, funny, exciting, great in bed, artistic, etc etc etc, blah blah blah, he doesn't know why his emotions are all over the place, he is so confused, blah blah blah, but I am just so great....

....I want to break that finger....

Instead I cry. Like a little kid. Well, more like sob, Alice in Wonderland flooding kind of sob (if I were totally being honest.) The one time I need to be tough as nails, a bitch in heels, my hormonal overload goes into effect. Thanks a lot tear ducts, way to wait it out until we are alone to watch Dirty Dancing, as we eat gobs of cookie dough. No one puts baby in the corner, no one. Instead I get to cry in front of pinky swearing jerkface who is telling me, "I heart you."

What can I say, it’s hard to digest that one just got the pink slip on their birthday. Some gift. Next time, I want diamonds.

I usually give advice to men about stop being pussies, suck it up, say how you really feel. In this situation, I think the gods were mocking me. I almost wished this guy were a pussy. Wish he had waited until after my birthday, or maybe before my birthday...or even another holiday, say Valentines Day, because truthfully that day sort of sucks balls anyway.

In hindsight I suppose I should have seen it coming. Though when you have rose-colored glasses on, and are drooling from the mouth over a tasty morsel of scrumptious-ass-tasticness you tend to look past obvious key indicators:

Such as:

1. Birthday gift = a tommy boy birthday card that said "wish you the best on your birthday", a promo CD of his band, and a bottle of water with the Lakers logo on it (because he was a lakers fan and I was a celtics fan). I should preface that my v-day gift to him was a rare record I had hunted down (he did not have it and it took me two weeks to find this), his bday gift to me, was a $1 bottle of water that he got at the pharmacy next to the bar. Kind of genius in the book of asshole moves, I will give him that.

2. After a great valentines dinner, and a two-hour make out session afterwards, he says, "I think you are more into me then I am into you, but I am just confused by my feelings, I just need time." Seriously, I should punch myself in the face with this one, but all I heard, at the time, was, "You are into me, and I want to spend time with you." Side note: I will make a horrible eyewitness when it comes to cute boys.

3. He couldn't friend me on facebook. This seems childish, because after all its only facebook, but his band accepted me, and we were...dating. His reason was because he rarely used facebook. I should have called him on this bullshit, because when you send out a friend request you get to see all the action that person is doing when they keep you in the queue. He befriended three females in the time we were "dating."

4. He showed up late to my bday party, and by late I mean the party was wrapping to a close. When he finally did show up, he barely acknowledged me. My friends put it best, "you were obviously more into him, then he was into you." Man its like they were in bed with us on Valentines Day, spooky.

Needless to say.

Happy Birthday to Me.

And perhaps, it WAS one of the greatest gifts I have ever received, not to be involved in a relationship with someone like that. So yes, thank you dear sir, that was one of the most brilliant, and well played, gifts I have ever received. But, I'll still take diamonds next time.