I think I just took a Nap

Urban dictionary definition of a Douchebag: "The term "douchebag" generally refers to a male with a certain combination of obnoxious characteristics related to attitude, social ineptitude, public behavior, or outward presentation."

I am going to let you all in on a little secret.  I am a douchebag collector.

I have collected all types, all colors, all shapes, and all sizes. The good ones are like a fine wine, they build on your pallete, until wham, you are overcome by the sheer audacity of their make up. The one thing that I can always count on with these types, is they never disappoint; and I am not talking about their crushing ineptness of having a moral fabric when it comes to matters of the heart, I am talking about how awesomely entertaining they are to reminisce about. They are a don quixote quest. They are the Moby Dicks to my Captain Ahab (And not literally moby dicks, because men with three arms need to steer clear of my dating circumference).

...but this post is not about these types. No this is about the exact opposite of these types:

The boring guy.

The snooze.

The sleepwalker.

The ho hum man.

Mr. Complacent.

Now this new guy, who I shall call Rip Van Winkle, or Mr. Winkle for short (teehee), put up quite a good show, but perhaps that was his modus operandi. He was an artist, and as you all know from my past posts, I have a thing for the creative types, and he was relatively successful at what he did. So we set up a date to meet.

First thing to note: We decide on a bar.

Second thing to note: When I arrive at the bar, he is drinking water, because he does not drink. Oh goodie.

Third thing to note: I order myself a drink, and sit down to this gent drinking water. Our conversation is such:

Me "Hello"

Mr. Winkle "Hi"

Me "Nice to finally meet you"

Mr. Winkle "Same here"

-crickets-

At this point, I have slurped down my cheap drink and throughly people watched the entire room for about ten minutes. His water has also been finished off, and he goes for a refill, when he comes back I try to come up with whatever tidbits of conversation I can muster:

Me "So you are an artist"

M.W "Yup"

Me "Tell me more about it, what do you focus on, what do you do?"

M.W "Um, it's hard to explain"

Me "??"

M.W "Well like my current project is focusing on an existing vending machine. I want to make a commentary on the vending machine"

In my head, "Ohhhhh you are one of THOSE artists"

What I really said, "ohkaaaaay???"

Mr. W "Well like, I am going to shine a bunch of fluorescent tube lights on it, all around it, so it becomes a focal point, so that people notice it"

Me "Oh, so you are doing a light installation?"

Mr. W "Well no, it is more than that"

Me "How is it more than that?"

Mr. W "Well I just don't like the word installation, it devalues what I do in the art world, the piece is about societies focus on the vending machine"

Me "Like Duchamp's toilet?"

Mr. W "No more than that!"

Me"..."

Mr. W "Its just a piece best not described, but experienced."

In my head "So not only are you boring, you have been drowned in artist jargon to explain away how boring you truly are. Money well spent." 

Me "..."

Mr. W "You are obviously viewing it as an architect, if you viewed it as an artist, as is taught in graduate school, I think you would realize more fully where I am coming from"

In my head "Oh no he didn't! -snap my fingers in his face moment about to happen-"

Me "Yes, let us talk about the difference between our worlds. Now granted, I play in the architect-turned-artist world, and you play in the I-am-a-graduate-student-artist world, so according to you the word "installation" is implied differently between our worlds; but I am sorry, if you, or any other artist, wants to dip your toes into my world, well I am going to call a spade a spade. Hanging lights, or using elements of the built world to emphasize a discussion best be done in a way that does not look like you just went to home depot and hung a bunch of lights...along with the vending machine, at the very least, rethink the light, if it is going to be so inclusive, otherwise, your piece of "art" work is going to get called an installation, from the architect aka layperson like me, no matter how much you diction it to be the next coming of christ."

At this point,  I should have had a "what would meryl streep do?" moment, which would have been to dramatically say "thank you sir, and good day" and trollop on out of there. Instead, I continue to listen to him fumble. I am a sadist at heart.

Mr. W "Um, so what is your sign?"

Inside my head "oh my god, it has come to this" 

Me "I am a pisces/aquarius"

Mr. W "Oh really me too!"

Inside my head "Well hold on now, suddenly this has become a tad intriguing"

Me "Really? When is your birthday?"

Mr. W "Feb 20th"

Me "Holy crap, MY birthday is Feb 20th"

Mr. W "Ha, maybe you are the female equivalent to me, or maybe we are soul twins"

Me "Well, you know, there can be only one!"

Mr. W "Huh?"

Me "It's a quote from highlander"

Mr. W "Huh?"

Me "You dont know highlander? It is a scifi movie from the 80s, Sean Connery...Christopher Lambert..."

Mr. W "No, i dont like scifi."

Me "Well look at the time..."

Mr W "Yes perhaps we should go..."

Fourth thing to note: Go ahead and attack my lack of an art education, but to not like scifi!!...nope. Straw that broke that camel's back.

The date lasted 30 minutes. Give or take a minute. It was the shortest most god awful insultingly boring dates I have ever been on.  After lamenting to my girlfriends for hours about how well rested I now was, I get a final text from Mr. Winkle "That wasn't a disaster, you did great." 

AHAHAHAHAHA. Priceless. My collection groweth.